Still Feeling Outnumbered

When the twins were babies, I was terrified of being alone with them.   The thought of both of them crying, trying to comfort them, feed and diaper them by myself absolutely scared the bee-jebus out of me.

They outnumbered me.

As they've gotten older, I've gained confidence in myself.  With my husband's disease, I've been forced to take the lead.  If I didn't take them, we would never get out of the house. 

At the same time, they've gotten more independent and are much easier to handle (except when they are both fighting to sit in my lap and demanding my attention).

(They are toddlers after all).

There are still places that I'm afraid to take the kids by myself.  It's mostly crowded, public places (malls, large parks) where one of them could easily get lost if I turned for just half a second.  I see other moms juggling multiple kids and I so envy them. 

Even though I have more confidence now, I still get that feeling in my stomach sometimes.  That feeling of being outnumbered and not having any control.

We have a family vacation planned in 2 weeks and I've been super excited about it.  We rented a house with my BIL and his family so I knew it would be fun and relaxing.  It was a total splurge and cost us $3,000. 

And, it was the first real vacation that my husband was going to be with us the entire week.  

Until last night.

He had another depression "episode" 3 weeks ago and missed 3 days from work.  He used up the last of his leave. 

I hate this f'ing disease.   I really, really do.

So, instead of spending the entire week with us, he'll drive us down Sunday, leave on Monday afternoon and come back down Friday. 

Which leaves me "alone" with the kids for 3 days. 
{insert sinking feeling in stomach here}

I already had some anxiety about the trip and maybe I'm just too damn worrisome.  This is the first vacation where the kids will be sleeping in single beds.  We picked a house with bunk beds and I plan to let the kids sleep on the bottom bunks.  I'm bringing bed rails to close off the open side.  But until I see the beds in person, I won't know if they are a climbing hazard for my active son.

We all agreed that we wanted a pool but that worries me a little too.  Most of the houses have locking gates but again, until we get there I won't be able to see it.  I have horrible visions of looking out the window and seeing one of my kids floating.

My SIL and 2 nieces (ages 11 & 7) will help me a lot.  I know that.  They absolutely adore the kids and they'll help to keep the twins occupied.  But, let's face it.  I'm the parent and the twins are my responsibility.  It's their vacation too and I can't expect them to stay by my side the entire week.

I'm also worried about my patience level.  The last few months have taken a toll.  I've been handling a lot and I'm at the end of my rope.  I have found myself shouting and yelling at the kids more than I like to admit.  If I need a break at the beach, I know I would only need to ask my SIL to watch the kids for a little while and she would do it without question.

But, I would feel guilty.  I'm the parent, they are my responsibility. 

Why do I feel that way?  I never feel like I deserve a break even when I know I need one.

On the flip side of all of this, part of me wonders if being by myself isn't a blessing.  Ironically, my other anxiety was having my husband there.  When he has his "episodes", he shuts everything out.  He sleeps, stays by himself and becomes incredibly irritable.  While I try to be patient and understanding, it's hard to overlook when I'm busting my behind to take care of things.  I could see myself getting very resentful if he's there with us and not helping at all. 

And, so.  That's where we are.   I will do my damnest to make sure the kids have a good time.  I have such wonderful memories of my summer vacations and I want the same for my kids.