De-Lurk Q&A

Thank you to everyone who left me a comment.  It's always nice to know that I still have readers and that I'm not completely boring and can still help those who are still struggling with infertility.  That's really my whole purpose for starting this blog.  I needed an avenue to vent and to find and offer support.

I received some really great questions:

Does infertility still enter your mind often?


It enters my mind every time I look at my children. I will admit that it’s not my sole focus like it was before the kids. It doesn’t consume me any longer. Maybe it’s because I know we can’t have any more kids because of the hysterectomy? Maybe I’m really just in a good spot right now? If I wanted more kids, I think it would be a different story and I’m sure the bitter sting of infertility would be right back in my face. Taunting me.

I will never forget what we endured to get where we are today. When I’m having a bad day, when the kids won’t listen and I feel like I’m taking things for granted, I make myself go back and read some of my posts when I was so desperate to get pregnant. It still brings back some painful and bitter memories but it also gives me a pretty good smack in the ass and I realize how lucky and blessed I am. When I see other twins, I wonder if the parents did IVF. It’s usually the first thing that pops into my mind. I wonder if they went through the same hell that we did to get where we are. I still want to share my story. I still want people to know that it’s not easy. It wasn’t easy.

I have identical twin boys who are 6 months old. When does it get easier?

It does get easier. I promise. I’ve written many posts sharing my fear of being alone with both kids and not being able to handle whatever happens. The first months are definitely more physically demanding: lack of sleep, the immobility of the twins and everything that goes with that (carrying one on each hip, 30 pound car seats). Both kids started sleeping through the night regularly around 4 months of age. Sleeping through the night for us meant down for the night around 10:00 pm and sleeping until 4:30 am. If I got 6 hours of sleep, it was a GOOD night. We had some blips here and there where my son would go through a cycle of waking up. It usually indicated one of three things: sick, teething or major developmental milestone was coming (i.e crawling or walking).

Once the kids were mobile, it got a little easier but also created new challenges. If I wanted to get something done, I couldn’t leave the room because they wouldn’t be there when I returned. Just when you think you have the house baby proofed, they find something. Invest in lots of baby gates that you can throw up as you need them.

The next challenge was definitely 18 months through age 3 and it switches from physical demand to mental demand. I’m convinced temper tantrums are worse with twins because they feed off each other. The “non-involved” twin would start crying for no reason and then I had 2 screaming toddlers. As their vocabulary expanded, it got easier. I highly recommend sign language. I wasn’t fluent by any means but we had some basics down and it did help.

Did you tell friends and family about your infertility?

We started trying to get pregnant when I turned 32. We tried for 2 years and didn’t tell anyone. I finally went to get tested and had an HSG done. They found partially blocked tubes. I also had an undiagnosed underactive thyroid. At the time, we didn’t think we could afford IVF (and frankly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it) so we just left things in God’s hands and got to a comfortable place. If it happens, it happens. If not, we won’t have kids.

And then in 2007, I got pregnant. It ended up being ectopic and I lost my left tube. It completely devastated me. I thought I was in a good place and then all of the sudden I needed to be pregnant. I needed to have kids. I spoke with my OB and she said the only way I could be guaranteed a healthy pregnancy was to do IVF. So, we started doing research.

After the ectopic, I really opened up to everyone. I think it was part of my healing. I was grieving the loss of my pregnancy yet so determined to move forward.

Did you keep them in the loop on your treatments?

Infertility is a funny thing. When people get pregnant without assistance, they don’t advertise they had sex last night. I don’t know if talking about IVF treatments is more accepted because it’s medical or what?

For me, I did approach the whole thing very medically. I initially went to college with the intent of being a doctor so that approach was natural for me. I wanted to understand every procedure, every step of the treatment. Because I was so comfortable with that aspect of it, I talked freely about it. I mentioned my uterus and ovaries like I was talking about what I had to eat that day. I’m normally a very reserved person who gets embarrassed easily but for some reason, this didn’t bother me.

I was very open about our first fresh IVF cycle. I announced when we started the shots, I announced when we did the retrieval, I showed off the ultrasound photo of the embryo transfer.

When that cycle failed, I withdrew. It was a tough blow. I was just pregnant with the ectopic so I thought for sure I would get pregnant the first round. I grieved for a few weeks and then something clicked and I thought to myself, “Screw this. I’m not giving up” and we started the first FET cycle 2 months later.

I got cancelled because my lining wouldn’t thicken. And then my 2nd FET cycle failed. We took a break for 4 months and decided if we wanted to move forward.

When we started our final IVF cycle, I didn’t tell anyone. I remember talking to my mom in tears as I told her how hard it was to want something so badly. She told me that she cried with me. She hurt too.

I did eventually tell my close friends and family about the cycle when we were about halfway through.  It became difficult to hide and the last thing I wanted was for people to think I was pregnant again when I refused a drink or said I was tired.  There's nothing worse than answering the "Are you pregnant" question when you're trying to get pregnant. 

Do you tell people now about IVF?

I'm still pretty forthcoming with how our children came to be.  I had a friend ask me when I was going to tell the kids how they were conceived.  I honestly hadn't given it any thought.  I'm not against telling the kids if the subject comes up but I don't think I'll plan "a talk" about it. 

I do have a bit of a success story.  I mentioned I told several co-workers about IVF during our first cycle.  I'm probably being naive by thinking word didn't spread after I announced I was pregnant with twins.  I'm sure the whole office knew how it happened.  Whatever.

Anyway, a woman in my office that I knew (but didn't work with directly) approached me one day at my desk.  She approached very gingerly and I could tell she was uncomfortable.  She told me her daughter had been trying to get pregnant for quite some time and she was thinking about IVF but didn't know where to start and that she was scared about the process.  We spent the next 30 minutes talking about my doctor and the clinic I used and the entire IVF process.  To make a long story short, her daughter made an appointment with my RE and she now has a beautiful baby girl. 

What responses have you received from people who know you used infertility treatments?

Maybe I'm lucky but I have never received a negative response from anyone.  I think it's probably more accepted than it used to be.  Or maybe women are just being more open about it?  I never thought I would be one of "those women" who needed help getting pregnant.  The feelings that infertility brings are certainly some of the most intense that I've ever felt.  The feelings of inadequacy, failure and lack of control are smack ya in the face reality. 

I know there was definitely a part of me that was just over it and I eventually didn't give a crap about what people thought.  I wanted children and I didn't care how it happened.  People can pass judgement or do whatever they want to do and it doesn't affect me.  Fertility issues don't mean you are a bad person or that you are being punished.  It took me a LONG time to accept that and I was really bitter and angry for a long time after I had the ectopic.  I read some of those posts and while I can still remember exactly how I felt, I'm still surprised by the bitterness. 

I may have kids now and I'm sure I've lost some readers along the way who couldn't bear to read about "the other side".  Or, maybe I just became a boring mom?  Who knows.  What I do know is that infertility never leaves you.  It weaves itself inside of you like a parasite.  It changes who you are.  But, it shouldn't define you.  It's a part of you that you can dwell on or you can conquer it and move past it.  The IVF cycle that resulted in our twins was our last try.  I knew going in and I was ready to accept that if it failed, we would walk away with nothing.  I decided that I had something to offer, children or not.  Is it fair?  No.  But, I finally just gave in and decided it was God's plan and that whatever happened, it would be OK.  Maybe not at first, but eventually it would be OK. 


I love receiving comments so please feel free to leave one if you have any other questions. 

If you'd rather talk privately, feel free to email me directly.  I'm an open book and if I can return some of the support I've received over the last 4 years, it's my pleasure.