Every once in awhile the past creeps in like the fog on a cool autumn night. Things are clear and bright and then all of the sudden, it turns gray and blurred.
I think about the What If's on our journey to parenthood. If you've followed my blog for any period of time, you know I had an ectopic pregnancy in October, 2007. .
There are still a lot of "What If's" that float around in my head.
What If that pregnancy had been viable?
Was it a boy or girl?
What would he/she have become?
Would he/she be an only child?
The loss of that pregnancy left a scar from the surgery that healed but the scar on my heart has taken much, much longer. My life would be much different now if that path was the road we stayed on
In the end, it lit a fire that caused me to push the pursuit of IVF. I sometimes ask my husband if he thinks about the ectopic pregnancy and how different our lives might have been. He always replies, "Yes, but we wouldn't have the twins if it didn't happen".
And, I guess that's true. The IVF testing revealed an underactive thyroid, which was partially responsible for our difficulties in getting pregnant to begin with.
Regulating my TSH levels was required before we could begin IVF. That 6 months provided time for me to obtain coverage through my health insurance. We couldn't have afforded it otherwise.
It took 3 tries to get pregnant with the twins. And, then we were blessed with not only twins but a boy AND a girl.
And, then just like that, my ability to have more children was taken away during their delivery. Emergency hysterectomy.
What If I had a normal delivery? Would we have tried for more kids?
I remember when we were going through everything, I thought to myself that none of it made sense. I kept asking why God would bless us with a child only to take it away.
When the underactive thyroid was diagnosed, I wasn't relieved. It was one more thing that was wrong with me.
When the first 2 IVF cycles failed, it seemed like more torture and the loss of the ectopic stung even more. Would that be my only experience with pregnancy? Would that be the closest that I ever get?
And then we were blessed with a pregnancy. Twins.
And, suddenly it made sense. All of it made sense.
God Has A Great Plan For You. Trust Him.
1 comment:
Perspective is so freaking difficult in the moment! And even in hindsight, some things just don't make sense. But the sweet twins...now that makes perfect sense :)
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