Second Trimester Eve

I am officially in my 2nd trimester tomorrow. While this is a BIG milestone, I’m still scared (and nervous and anxious and excited…) because I know something could still go wrong. Up until now, if I miscarried, it was most likely a genetic defect with one of the babies. That’s hard enough to accept. Now, if I miscarry, it’s most likely a defect with me. In some ways, that’s harder to digest.

There are still times when this doesn’t seem real. When I’m reading other girls’ blogs, it’s so easy to return to the thinking that I know. The wondering what it feels like to be pregnant, the questions of when it’ll happen to me. Maybe that will get easier when I start to feel the babies move and they become “real”? I don’t know. I’m surprised by the feelings of guilt that I have. Yes, I went through my share of disappointment and heart ache to get here but I can’t help but feel the same heart ache for others who haven’t gotten here. I hope that doesn’t sound cliché because it is truly heart felt. It’s a feeling that surprises me. I thought getting pregnant would solve all of those feelings of inadequacy, emptiness and utter frustration. In a way, it has but I still find myself being very guarded and wondering when the other shoe will drop. I feel guilty for not being naively happy about my pregnancy. I’m really trying to live in the moment and to cherish every day that I have with this healthy pregnancy. I know too well the feeling of loss and I NEVER want to go there again. EVER.

Wow, I totally didn’t intend to go there when I started this post. Sometimes things just need to come out, I guess.

So, here’s the “happy” portion of the post:

How far along? 13 Weeks, 6 days

Total weight gain/loss: May have gained 5 pounds according to my scale at home. Yippee!

Maternity clothes? Since I was 9 weeks

Stretch marks? None but I’m lubing with Belly Butter every day!

Sleep: Better now that I have a Snoogle pillow but still not great

Best moment this week: Learning the results of the NT scan

Movement: Hopefully within the next 2-3 weeks

Food cravings: Still craving carbs but I’m still very finicky.

Gender: Won’t find out until my 20-week appointment – BOO!

Labor Signs: No

Belly Button in or out? In but my belly button looks like it shrunk. Is this normal?

What I miss: I did crave a hot dog the other day.

What I am looking forward to: My next OB appointment but mostly learning the sexes.

Weekly Wisdom: If symptoms haven’t changed, assume everything is still OK.

Milestones: Getting to the 2nd trimester.