Living with Mental Illness

I've been blogging a long time and I've never opened up the way I'm going to right now.

My husband is mentally ill.  When things are good, they are good.  When things are bad, they are really bad.  Now is one of those bad times.

He was diagnosed with depression in 2008, soon after we lost the ectopic pregnancy.  He began taking medication for it and it was moderately controlled.  He would still have what I call "episodes" every few months.

There were times where he would try to mask the depression and self medicate by using cocaine.  He would try to hide the drug use and when I confronted him, he would deny it.  Over and over again. 

I thought about divorce.  A lot.

I also began to think that losing the pregnancy was a blessing.  Did I really want to raise a child in the environment in which we were living?

I got his family involved and his brother talked to him about the future of our marriage, about growing up, about getting help.  I talked to his mother. 

We would have long stretches where things would be good.  He stopped using recreational drugs and stuck with his prescriptions.  He found a good job.  We talked about starting a family again.

The twins came in Fall, 2009 and for the most part, we've been good.  Having twins is stressful.  I get that.  I learned pretty quickly that I was going to be the backbone of the family.  The rock.

I handle everything.   The bills.  The cleaning.  The cooking.  90% of providing for the twins. 

Last year, I finally got him to agree to see a psychiatrist.  After one visit, he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  The dr put him on 3 medications but he still experiences cycles.

When my husband goes through a cycle, there is usually a trigger.  It tends to be something stressful.  He doesn't have any coping skills so when something happens, it almost always starts a cycle. He doesn't tend to get manic the way you might think of.  He doesn't get hyper or spend money recklessly. 

In fact, he rarely goes that high.  It's usually the opposite into depression.

Sometimes, it is the traditional type of depression where he just wants to sleep and he doesn't want to get out of bed or be around people for days in a row.

But, most times?   He becomes a raving, irrational jackass.

He snaps at me and the kids over nothing.  He intentionally picks a fight just to do it.   He cusses and overreacts over something as simple as not being able to find the remote control.  The cycle can last a few days or a few weeks until he stablizes and comes back to the middle.



That's where we've been all week.  Two weeks ago, he found out that he will most likely be laid off in July. 

And, I don't know how much more I can take.  I'm trying to keep the house together, the kids together and I'm barely keeping myself together. 

I'm trying to be the rock and I don't know if I'm that strong.  The stress of him losing his job is bad enough.  But, I have to deal with his illness and essentially become a single mother too.

The kids don't understand.  I just tell them that Daddy doesn't feel well.   They don't understand why he yells at them because they are being 2 year olds.  My son doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't want to play football.  My daughter doesn't understand why Daddy tells her to go away when she tries to climb in his lap.

I've never reached out to a support group and maybe that's what I need.  My family knows about his illness but they can't be there to help every hour of every day.

And, truthfully?  When he's being like this, no one wants to be around because he's such an asshole.

Mental illness has such a stigma associated with it.  I tried to hide what was going on for years.  People would ask why my husband didn't come to the party or why he disappeared upstairs when we had company over.

I would try to make light of it and crack a joke.   When my husband is stable, you would never guess he suffered from anything.  He likes to joke.  He's a really smart guy. 

And, it breaks my heart that our family has to go through this.  I see other families and wonder what it's like to be normal.  To have a husband who isn't Jekyll and Hyde. 

I know, I know.  For better or worse.

I love my husband.  I do.  It just makes me so sad that our kids have to endure him when he's like this.  When they get older, I'll explain it to them.  When they can understand. 

For now, I'll have a good cry and try to find the strength I need to keep the family going. 

Thanks for letting me vent.