My name is Suzanne and this is the first time I've ever blogged. I'm 38 years old and have been trying to get pregnant for 7 years. I've been through the whole round of tests that are always ordered whenever a "problem" is suspected. An HSG determined both of my tubes were partially blocked. I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism. The hardest thing, for me at least, was dealing with the idea of infertility. Isn't it a cruel joke that most women find out they can't have children when they've decided it's actually time to have them? We go through life thinking and dreaming about getting married and creating this perfect little family. We finally find the person that we actually want to have kids with and then, bam! We can't. No warning, no explanation. Just can't.
I had finally started to accept that children might not be in God's plan for me - maybe I was going to be a horrible mother and this was a sign? I found myself being happy for other women when they were pregnant and all of the jealousy, self-pity, anger, frustration (I have a million more adjectives...) had disappeared. And then, a bombshell. I was pregnant. And, ironically, my sister was also pregnant and only 19 days ahead of me!
I like to refer to this next period of my life as "Shock and Awe". No...one bomb wasn't enough. I had to have 30 chucked at me. The pregnancy was ectopic and to make a long story short, I ended up losing my left tube after major surgery. Now, I have a c-section scar to remind me that I don't have a baby. That was expected but the scar it left on my heart and in my head was much deeper and a little more unexpected. All of this happened 6 months ago so I think I'm probably still grieving and trying to find the "why" in it all. If I were allowed to sit in my bedroom and not leave the house, I'd probably be OK by now. But no, I have to deal with the rest of the world and ALL of the pregnant people that keep following me! I swear, every time I turn around, there's a pregnant person. It reminds me of a scene from some zombie movie - I just can't get away from them!
If anything good came out of my experience, it is the realization that I really do want to have kids. My husband and I just got cleared to begin our first in vitro cycle and I expect to start the bcp next week. This blog will chronicle my experiences (I'm putting it all out there girls!) in the hopes of helping someone else just like me.
2 comments:
Suzanne - Now I'll have to check out YOUR blog! :)
I'm sorry you have been through so much over the past seven years. Good luck with your IVF cycle. If you ever have any questions, let me know.
I completely understand how you feel about seeing pregnant people everywhere you go. I feel the same way. I can't even step out of my classroom door without seeing the pregnant teacher right across the hall from me.
I had an ectopic pregnancy last year, as well. It was my 4th miscarriage. Miscarriage is bad; recurrent miscarriage, a cruel joke, and ectopic pregnancy is just cosmically sadistic. I'm so sorry you lost your tube. They were able to save mine, but I have that scar as well ... and I know what you mean.
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