Aw, shucks....

Jill from Desperately Seeking Spawn has given me the "I Heart Your Blog" award. Jill has truly been an inspiration to me. She is one of the first blogs that I started reading and I love her sense of humor and truthfulness.

Now, the way this works, is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brownish-blond
4. Your mother? Strong
5. Your father? Dead
6. Your favorite thing? Beach
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. The room you're in? Office
10. Your hobby? Cooking
11. Your fear? Childless
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Rich
13. Where were you last night? Friends
14. What you're not? Mother
15. One of your wish list items? Children
16. Where you grew up? Virginia
17. The last thing you did? Painted
18. What are you wearing? Clothes
19. Your T.V.? Off
20. Your pet? Three
21. Your computer? Laptop
22. Your mood? Balanced
23. Missing someone? Grandparents
24. Your car? Ford
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Pottery Barn
27. Your Summer? Long
28. Love someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? 15th

Now, I'd like to pass this award to the following bloggers. I recently started following their blogs and was immediately drawn in:

Tiffany at Our Slow Journey to Parenthood

Erin at Pieces of Me

Andrea at Pre-Heated Oven: Where Is My Bun?

Leah at The Cole Family Journal

The following have already received the award from one or more bloggers but I just have to do it again. They are my constant source of strength, support and inspiration.

Brenda at No Regrets

Wendy at Our Story

Kathy at Busted Babymaker

Am I Willing To Gamble? Part II

Thanks to everyone who provided their advice.

Just a few areas that I wanted to clarify...

Anna had asked if IUI was a possibility. Unfortunately, it is not for me. As a result of the ectopic pregnancy last year, my left tube had to be removed. My right tube is partially blocked and I have about a 50% chance of having another ectopic if I were to conceive "naturally" (this would include IUI).

So, I am left with only 2 options - IVF or adoption.

When we started down the proverbial infertility road, DH and I discussed our options and decided that we wanted a biological child.

We chose the IVF route and at this point, that's the road that we'll stay on - no matter where it takes us.

While I'm not against adoption, I'm not sure it's right for us, right now. I feel like we're already so invested in IVF that I don't want to backtrack and start down a new path.

So, I guess the real decision becomes the length of time and money that we want to invest in IVF.

Leah asked about getting a 2nd opinion. To be honest, I haven't really given that a lot of thought yet. I'm not ready to give up on the clinic or my doctor because I still think they are doing the best they can for me.

Realistically, I've only had one fresh IVF cycle and with the exception of the end result, it was a good cycle.

My FSH levels weren't wacky, I stimmed well, had a good retrieval and ended up with almost 50% of my embryos getting to blast stage.

I really only count the frozen cycle as a 1/2 cycle. Partly because we didn't have to "make" new embryos and partly because the success rate was only 30% for my age range.

Erin - I really liked your comment about which would be more painful - buying treatments that might fail or buying 2 more opportunities.

If I were to answer that question, my answer would be that I'd want to buy 2 more opportunities. I think I would always wonder "what if" if we didn't try again.

Hmmmm....

I guess I just answered my own question, didn't I?

So, the bottom line is that we'll wait to see what my RE has to say at my next appointment.

Am I Willing To Gamble?

My "post cycle" follow up appointment with Dr. B is November 18th.

I have to say that at this moment, I'm fairly complacent about the whole thing.

An "Eh" (shrug shoulders) attitude, if you will.

I don't think she'll provide any earth-shattering revelations and I'm fully expecting the same response that I got last time.

"Sometimes it takes a few tries".

Well, that would be great if my father was Donald Trump.

So, I'm at a cross roads.

I don't feel like I'm ready to quit yet. That's a good sign.

What I'm having a hard time dealing with is the very real possibility of failing again.

I have 2 major obstacles...

1) My clinic has a Shared Risk program. Qualified patients pay one flat rate and receive up to 6 cycles. Unfortunately, I no longer qualify because the patient has to be able to complete all 6 cycles before her 39th birthday.

Guess who turns 39 in April?

2) I mentioned before that my insurance is tapped out which means we'd have to take out a loan. If we took out $25,000, that would give us one more fresh cycle and god willing, another frozen. Sounds promising?

What if those 2 cycles don't work?

We're stuck paying the loan back with nothing to show for it.

That's a bitter pill to swallow. The sting and anger after writing that check each month would be unbearable.

So, that leaves me in quite a pickle.

Do I gamble?

Do we take our chances that it will work on what we know would be our last one, possibly 2, chances?

I need some advice. What would you do?

A Few of My Hobbies

Since I don't have anything IVF-related to share, I thought I'd share some of my hobbies.

I've mentioned before that I like to decorate and I'm admitting it for the first time here...

My name is Suzanne and I'm a Pottery Barn-aholic.

Fall is my favorite time of year and as soon as it starts getting cold outside, I love to whip out my autumn decorations and then I run around like a crazy lady.

So, here are a few photos of my decorating...

Living Room / mantle



Close-Up of Mantle



For those of you familiar with Pottery Barn, they had a really cool frame with black/white photos and keys in their catalog about 2 years ago. I refused to pay $180 for it, so I made my own...



And, lastly.

I mentioned that I would be painting my bathroom this week while I was off. I started at 9:30 this morning and I just finished enough that I could take a break.

Before

It's hard to see but the stripes were done with paint.

Lots of tape and paint.





After






I can't believe what a huge difference it made!

And, with that....

Kisa and I say "Good night"!

(I just took this while I was typing)

Healing

It's been almost a week since my last post and to be honest, I've been staying away from my blog because I just don't have much to write about.

I feel like I am starting to heal from the bitterness and pain that I felt after hearing the beta results.

So, here's what been happening over the past week. Hold on your hats, it's not very exciting...

We celebrated our 4-year wedding anniversary. We've actually been together almost 20 years so the wedding anniversary doesn't seem very monumental. We went to Ruths Chris for dinner and shared a bottle of wine. That was actually before I got the beta results so I was fairly certain of the result at that point.

I've been throwing myself into work. My job is very cyclical and thankfully, this past week was one of the busy ones. It helped me take my mind off things - atleast until I get home.

I put away all of my ivf medications and wiped anything ivf-related off my calendar. I'm operating off one basic assumption - out of sight, out of mind.

I still had 14 vacation days left so I decided to take this week off. I plan to re-paint and re-decorate my bathroom.

Yesterday, my husband and I took a day trip out to our college campus of West Virginia University. It's about 3 hours from our house and always a beautiful drive through the mountains during the fall.

It was a nice getaway. We got on the road by 8:00 am and arrived in Morgantown by 11. Walked around campus, bought some new sweatshirts, had lunch at one of the restaurants we used to go to and got back on the road around 2:30.

It happened to be Fall Family Weekend so there were lots of parents in town. I was at the cash register buying our shirts and the cashier asked if I had my Parents ID.

Of course, my husband thought that was the funniest thing EVER. Here we were thinking we were going to "blend in" to campus because we don't think we're that old and it turns out we look more like the parents visiting.

There is one thing that surprised both of us. The campus seemed so much smaller to us. It's not a huge campus anyway but everything just seemed small - the student union building, the town, even the restaurant.

It was weird.

I also decided to move forward with our "annual" Halloween party. We started throwing a party about 5 years ago and it just turned into an annual thing, except for last year.

The ectopic had just happened a few weeks before and I didn't know at the time, but I was heading toward emergency surgery that same weekend.

So, we're doing it this year. And, now, I'm kind of excited that I can atleast drink.

I pulled out the costumes that I bought last year and never wore so we'll see how it goes.

I'm going to be a cave woman and my DH is going to be The Hamburgular.

I don't know... he has a thing for McDonald's.

If the pictures are "post-able", I'll share a few afterwards.

I guess that's about it.

Are you still awake?!

The Last 24 Hours...

The following depicts true events of the last 24 hours…

Monday


4:30 – 6:00 pm – Got home from work and decided to re-arrange my home office because I needed to have control over something

6:00 – 7:30 pm – Made chicken flautas and Mexican rice for dinner. Yummy!

7:30 – 8:00 pm – Finish dinner dishes

8:00 pm - Decided to get my mind off things by watching TV. Land on Discovery Health channel and a show called “Medical ER”

8:05 pm – Commercial break. One ad about diapers.

8:08 pm – Show returns

8:15 pm – Commercial break. Another diaper ad AND a pregnancy test ad thrown in for good measure

8:18 pm – Show returns

8:30 pm – Commercial break. This time Brooke Shields shows up and tries to hock Volvos by using babies as a marketing tool. F* YOU!

8:33 pm – Show returns

8:50 pm – Commercial break. The diapers are back.

8:53 pm – Show returns

8:57 pm – Commercial break. Wanna guess? Yep, another pregnancy test.

Alright, assholes! You want an idea for a pregnancy test ad? Here's one for ya!

How about if you feature a woman who has been trying to get pregnant for the last 8 years? You show her going to the drugstore daily to buy pregnancy tests in the hopes that this time, it might, just might be positive.

And the end of the ad? It shows said woman sitting in the bathroom crying because she got another f'ing negative.

And do you know what your slogan could be?

Do ya?

How about "Brand X. The official pregnancy test of infertile women".

9:00 pm – Decide to watch “Dr. G Medical Examiner” on the same channel

9:10 pm – Commercial break. Diapers again.

9:13 pm – Show returns

9:30 pm – Commercial break. Hey! It’s a new ad – no wait, it has a baby in it.

9:33 pm – Show returns

9:47 pm – Commercial break. Any guesses? Yep, Brooke Shields is at it again.

9:56 pm – Show ends and I go to bed where I cry myself to sleep

Note to self: Apparently soon-to-be and existing mothers love shows about weird illnesses, afflictions and autopsies because the advertisers were all over their asses.

Lesson learned? Discovery Health not infertile-friendly.


Tuesday

8:25 am – Driving to work and see 2 women pushing strollers with their oh-so-cute babies inside.

8:35 am – Arrive at work and ride up elevator with pregnant lady

11:15 am – Speak with client on phone and make small talk. She tells me she’s 7 months pregnant with twins.

I did manage to make it home from work without seeing anything baby-related so I'm hoping the last 24 hours of baby sightings was something like seeing locusts. It only happens every 7 years.

Because, seriously.

How many times can one person be exposed to THAT many baby-related things in the 24-hour period after receiving a negative beta?

Oh. I guess the answer would be TWELVE times!

Either I'm being punked or someone is trying really, really hard to get me to lose my freakin' mind.

Well, to whoever you are....

I'm throwing up the white flag. I give up. You win.

Strike Two

Beta was negative.

Tapped Out

I'm tapped out. Emotionally, physically and financially.

Emotionally
I'm prepared for the negative beta on Monday - it won't be easy to hear but at least I'm prepared to hear it.

It's not that I was convinced this cycle would work because I really did look at it as a freebie (meaning we didn't have to make new embryos).

What I'm trying to deal with is the frustration. After my first cycle, my RE told me she feels confident we'll get there. With the exception of the end result, it was a perfect cycle.

With this cycle, there were problems with my lining thickness but in the end, they decided it looked good enough to proceed. The doctor performing the transfer even said it looked good.

So, what the fuck?

The other thing that I can't get past is that I feel like we wasted 4 perfectly good embryos. If we put them in someone else, would they have lived?

I tried to make a "joke" with my husband and I don't know how it will come across but I'll share.

When I came home from college, I decided I wanted to give fish a try. I bought a tank and got it all set up. I managed to kill 6 fish in one weekend.

So, the "joke" was that I'm just as good at killing embryos.

I'm beginning to wonder if the ectopic is going to be my only experience with pregnancy.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I'm a fighter but I'm also not stupid. How many more times am I willing to subject myself to this frustration, disappointment and sadness?

Physically
There isn't one square inch on my ass that doesn't have a lump or bruise. The shots are downright painful now and on the nights that I have to do two shots, it takes everything I have in me to get up to prepare them.

I decided to stop the Estrace pills. I'm tired of having blue crap in my underwear everyday and really, is it serving a purpose at this point?

We did the PIO shot last night and we're supposed to do the DelEstrogen and PIO tonight. We'll probably still do them because I still have a teeny, tiny shred of hope but deep down, I know it's a waste of time.

The one thing I haven't mentioned - and this really is my shred of hope - is that I had some pretty significant cramping on Wednesday.

I've had some mild cramps off and on since transfer and that was pretty consistent with the last transfer. But, Wednesday's was different.

I was driving to work and it was one of those cramps when you think "Oh shit, I just got my period" and you grab a tampon and go running for the bathroom. It was deep and pretty intense - I even had some lower back pain.

It happened again that afternoon and then that was it. I haven't had it since.

That would've been 8dpt and almost a week after implantation was supposed to occur so I think the chances of it really being something is pretty slim.

But, it was also significant enough that I can't ignore it. What the hell was it?

The only other thing is that my boobs seem to be getting more sore as the days pass. They've been sore since I started the shots so that's nothing new but now they hurt when I lay on my stomach at night.

Again, just something I've noticed.

I'm sure it's more likely to be the PIO shots that have now taken over my body or impending AF so I'm not really putting much into it.

After all, the HPT doesn't lie. Not at 10dpt.

Financially
I'm willing to do another fresh cycle - the problem is money. I've pretty much exhausted the insurance coverage that I had. Which, by the way, was a whopping $20,000 per lifetime. Thanks for throwing me some crumbs.

Between Kaly's vet bills and some expenses we had earlier this year, our savings is down to fumes. We already have an equity line of credit from some home renovations we did a few years ago and I really don't want to pull any more from that with the market the way it is right now.

So, where does that leave us?

My husband wants to take the rest of the year off and look at our options in January. That sounds great, except for one thing.

I turn 39 in April.

The clock ticking is getting louder and louder each day.

I think I'm probably one of the oldest women on the blogs that I've been reading and I really feel like my time is running out.

If I wasn't able to get pregnant at 38, it sure as hell isn't going to get easier at 39 or 40.

As far as I know, the quality of my eggs is still OK - I guess? We had a decent number of 16 eggs at ER with 11 fertilized and a total of 5 blasts.

But, that certainly isn't going to improve over time.

At this point, I don't know what's going to happen. I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking this may be the end of the road for us.

We had 2 shots at it and failed miserably.

Lastly, I wanted to thank you guys for your sentiments. I didn't mean to be short in my last post - I was just so frustrated.

I'll let you know the official word on Monday.

10dp5dt

Can you hear that?

It's the Fat Lady Singing.

Just got another BFN.

Please don't try to offer words of encouragement or tell me to wait until the beta. We all know something should be showing up by now.

This sucks. I suck. Life just sucks in general.

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today started like any other
I woke up, brushed my teeth and got dressed
We were married 3 years prior
And I was trying to look my best.

I bought a pregnancy test to humor my husband
Who thought it might be true
"It will be negative", I thought to myself.
I just knew.

So, I spent the twenty dollars
And came home in a huff
I peed on the stick and left the room
"There," I thought, "I'll call your bluff."

I returned a few minutes later
And couldn't believe my eyes
What? Could it possibly be?
TWO pink lines?

I started crying and called my sister
"You aren't going to believe this", I said.
"I took a test and I'm pregnant"
Holy crap! We have 2 babies ahead?

For my sister was pregnant also
She found out 3 weeks before
We laughed and joked about it
My mom would have 2 grandbabies to adore!

After a short ten days
I was in the emergency room
Waiting to hear the news
I knew it was over. My husband said, "Don't assume"

"Your pregnancy is ectopic"
The doctor said with concern
"You will not have the baby
"For which you so badly yearn"

It's been a long road
The last 365 days
We continue on our journey for a baby
While the doctors continue to amaze

We still have lots of options
And for that, I feel blessed
We will have a baby one day
We will stay true to our quest

They say things happen for a reason
And sometimes all we can do is pray
I will never forget what could've been
One year ago today.

I Cheated

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

I cheated and took a test this morning. I woke up around 3:30 am and felt like I was going to throw up. It passed and I fell back to sleep but weird, nonetheless.

So, I woke up and took the test.

No surprises here.

BFN.

Today was 7dp5dt and I'm at a cross roads.

It's that middle ground where it's a little too early to test and a little too late to not be seeing a positive.

Of course, I promptly referred to my old pal Google and I found several sites that seemed more credible than the average message boards.

At least I guess they were.

The people answering the questions had the letters MD after their names so one would assume they are more credible than someone named Tummy or Blue Angel.

Anyway, the general concensus seemed to be that a sensitive urine test would pick up hcg around 14-16 dpo (or 10-12dpt).

I used a First Response Early Detection. Thought that was the most sensitive on the market?

I also read that FET transfers seem to take longer to implant.

In the end, I don't think anyone really knows.

I won't take another test until Friday. That would be 10dpt. My beta is Monday.

It doesn't matter how many times you do this.

It sucks every time.

Kaly Update & Other Stuff

A few of you have asked about my sweet Kaly bear.

We had another check up tonight and the good news is continuing! Her creatinine and BUN levels are continuing to drop. Creatinine was down to 2.7 and BUN was down to 29. She's almost normal! We're just going to continue the treatment for another week - because why mess with what's working?

Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers for my little doggy.

Not really any other news to report. I've realized over the last 4 days that I definitely have a different perspective with this transfer.

When we started the cycle, I sort of thought of it like a freebie. We had 3 embryos left and we had to do something with them so why not give it a shot? It was still covered by my insurance and it was less stress with minimal medications (really?).

I keep another journal where I share my more personal feelings and I was reading back on the last (my first) cycle. I was like this little innocent girl who was so convinced it was going to work.

And, well, OK. I also got a little addicted to HPTs.

But, let's not dwell on that.

I mean, we put back 2 perfect blastocysts and
my uterus looked good. Why wouldn't it work?

Duh!

And then, I still had the ectopic in my head. I had JUST gotten pregnant for crying out loud so of course it would work!

Double Duh!

It's no wonder I was so upset.

With this cycle, I entered it thinking that it wouldn't work. I guess I'd rather be surprised than disappointed.

Plus, the success rate on a frozen cycle is about 10% less than a fresh.

Am I still anxious to find out the result?

ABSOLUTELY!

Am I going to be devastated if it's negative?

No, I don't think I will be.

All I can think of is the Doritos slogan.

"We'll make more".

I've already decided that we'd go right into another fresh cycle.

At work this week, I took something called a StrengthsFinder test. It identified my Top 5 strengths so I can continue to leverage them in my personal and work life.

One of my strengths was Self-Assurance. It means I make decisions with no regrets and always feel confident in my decisions. It also means I don't get knocked down easily.

And, I think that's true.

I'm a fighter and I don't react well to "No".

We'll keep trying until we run out of money or the doctor says she can't help us anymore.

And, in my best Forrest Gump impression...

"That's all I have to say about that".