Good news first!
I had my Scentsy Launch Party over the weekend and had SO much fun! I really think I am going to enjoy doing this.
I had 13 people confirm they were coming and the day of the event, I kept checking my Facebook and email to make sure no one was cancelling. So far, so good.
And, then at 5:30 pm, I had my first person cancel. OK. That's OK. I expected at least one.
The party started at 7:00 pm and my first guest arrived at 6:50 pm. I welcomed her in and she said, "I have good news and bad news".
Oh no.
She had unexpected company and couldn't re-arrange their dinner plans for that evening. She was supposed to bring her mom to the party and now neither of them could come.
:(
She took 2 catalogs and I gave her my 2-minute mini-presentation and off she went.
I started getting worried. This was NOT looking good.
All in all, I had 7 people come so that's still a good turn out in my book. Everyone was very receptive to the products and I had a great night with sales.
So good in fact that I was promoted to the next level and I'm now getting the maximum commission that I can get!
Can I get a WHOO to the HOO?
I already have a party lined up with my sister-in-law and a co-worker of my mom's is interested in hosting a party was well. My goal is to have 1 party per month so it's looking good so far!
Now for the bad news.
My friend Tammi (see previous 2 posts) is really struggling through this first chemo treatment. The nurse told her it would get worse before it gets better but I don't think Tammi was prepared. She had the meds administered last Friday and each day, she seems to be in more pain and feeling worse. The nurse told her it's her immune system shutting down because it's been in this virtual battle all week.
Tammi said she feels like she has the most horrible case of the flu, without the fever.
It is breaking my heart. I hate this. I hate knowing she is in pain. I hate knowing that this was only the first round and she's going to have to do this every 3 weeks for the next 6 months. Cancer is such an unforgiving bastard.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
The Grass Isn't Always Greener
I finally caught up with Tammi (see last post). She was in great spirits, which didn't surprise me. That's just her.
We chatted for over an hour. A long overdue chat. We send quick notes and emails to each other but we haven't really talked in almost 2 years. Not like that.
She confided in me that she was going through a divorce. A messy divorce.
She told me her husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and his destructive behavior had finally taken its toll. I understand it. 35 years later and we have that in common too. While I'm nowhere near a divorce, I understand the damage that can be done when living with someone that has the disease.
So, my good friend is a single mother to 12 & 8 year old girls, her mother passed away in 2011 and she just divorced. Holy shit.
That's alot for anyone. And now? Cancer.
During our short emails and conversations on Facebook, she never even hinted at any of this. Her life seemed, well? Perfect.
She seems to be in a good place with the dreaded word: cancer. I can't say that she has completely accepted it but she is slowly wrapping her head around it. Years ago, she adopted a "clean eating" philosophy. She exercises. She doesn't use any products that contain toxins. That's all good for someone battling cancer and starting chemo.
She is having a lot of inner turmoil with the chemo. She is viewing it as putting something "bad" in her body. I respect her values but damn it! Just do what you need to do to get that crap out of your body! Last night, she actually posted in her journal that she almost postponed treatment. WHAT?!
I know it's scary. Really scary. She is supposed to have her first treatment this morning. I am praying and praying that she goes. I know everyone has their own beliefs but I honestly don't believe a holistic approach is the sole treatment option here.
I looped back with my friend Sandra (the OB/GYN) and she's still very cautious. Tammi has the most common form of cancer - Invasive Ductal. She found a small, hard lump during a self-exam but it wasn't tender and she has a history of cysts. A few weeks later, she found it again and this time it was sore. 2 days later, she had a mammogram.
Tammi told me it's a small tumor (5mm) and it is NOT in her lymph nodes. I hung up feeling relieved and optimistic. And then Sandra said some things aren't adding up and she's wondering if Tammi is telling the truth. Let me preface that by saying I completely understand that it is extremely difficult to take in all of the details when speaking with doctor after doctor. I'm not in any way trying to imply that Tammi is "lying". But, it is entirely feasable that she may be forgetting some stuff.
Sandra still thinks the course of treatment is extremely aggressive for such a small tumor. She thinks Tammi also has metastatic disease. That means the cancer is a traveller and jumping to chemo makes sense for that.
I'm so torn with what to believe. I want to believe Tammi and that everything will be OK and it's not a big deal. But, I can't ignore a doctor who understands what is going on.
I guess that's neither here nor there. It won't change how I support her. I will not allow her to go through this alone.
I know you don't know my friend but please say a prayer for her.
We chatted for over an hour. A long overdue chat. We send quick notes and emails to each other but we haven't really talked in almost 2 years. Not like that.
She confided in me that she was going through a divorce. A messy divorce.
She told me her husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and his destructive behavior had finally taken its toll. I understand it. 35 years later and we have that in common too. While I'm nowhere near a divorce, I understand the damage that can be done when living with someone that has the disease.
So, my good friend is a single mother to 12 & 8 year old girls, her mother passed away in 2011 and she just divorced. Holy shit.
That's alot for anyone. And now? Cancer.
During our short emails and conversations on Facebook, she never even hinted at any of this. Her life seemed, well? Perfect.
She seems to be in a good place with the dreaded word: cancer. I can't say that she has completely accepted it but she is slowly wrapping her head around it. Years ago, she adopted a "clean eating" philosophy. She exercises. She doesn't use any products that contain toxins. That's all good for someone battling cancer and starting chemo.
She is having a lot of inner turmoil with the chemo. She is viewing it as putting something "bad" in her body. I respect her values but damn it! Just do what you need to do to get that crap out of your body! Last night, she actually posted in her journal that she almost postponed treatment. WHAT?!
I know it's scary. Really scary. She is supposed to have her first treatment this morning. I am praying and praying that she goes. I know everyone has their own beliefs but I honestly don't believe a holistic approach is the sole treatment option here.
I looped back with my friend Sandra (the OB/GYN) and she's still very cautious. Tammi has the most common form of cancer - Invasive Ductal. She found a small, hard lump during a self-exam but it wasn't tender and she has a history of cysts. A few weeks later, she found it again and this time it was sore. 2 days later, she had a mammogram.
Tammi told me it's a small tumor (5mm) and it is NOT in her lymph nodes. I hung up feeling relieved and optimistic. And then Sandra said some things aren't adding up and she's wondering if Tammi is telling the truth. Let me preface that by saying I completely understand that it is extremely difficult to take in all of the details when speaking with doctor after doctor. I'm not in any way trying to imply that Tammi is "lying". But, it is entirely feasable that she may be forgetting some stuff.
Sandra still thinks the course of treatment is extremely aggressive for such a small tumor. She thinks Tammi also has metastatic disease. That means the cancer is a traveller and jumping to chemo makes sense for that.
I'm so torn with what to believe. I want to believe Tammi and that everything will be OK and it's not a big deal. But, I can't ignore a doctor who understands what is going on.
I guess that's neither here nor there. It won't change how I support her. I will not allow her to go through this alone.
I know you don't know my friend but please say a prayer for her.
Monday, March 18, 2013
What It Feels Like To Get Hit By A Bus
I woke up this morning, came downstairs, fed the cats and casually picked up my cell phone. I had one text message.
I clicked the icon and it was from a childhood friend (Sandra) that asked if I saw the Facebook post of another childhood friend (Tammi).
You have to understand Tammi. She is the type of person that literally knows someone wherever she goes. She is the definition of the phrase "social butterfly". She is outgoing and fun-loving and has the BEST set of dimples you will ever find.
She is an accomplished author and journalist (with a published book and everything) who has worked for 2 of the biggest newspapers in the country.
She was my first true friend. She moved here from Tehran, Iran in 1980. Her father was in the Air Force and stationed there. When all of the civil wars broke out, they came back to the States. She was in my 3rd grade class and we've been friends ever since.
So, I went to Facebook, curious to see what Tammi was up to now.
I had been seeing rather cryptic posts from her over the last 2 weeks but didn't think much of it. She asked for recommendations for good waterproof mascara and another post just said, "I'm radioactive".
She's always travelling and visiting weird places so I figured she was doing something adventurous.
And then I found her post. A link to a site called Caring Bridge. Unfortunately, I knew the site.
My heart stopped a beat. Who is sick?
My dearest friend was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer on March 1st. She starts chemo this week and had a port implanted this morning for the treatments.
I haven't spoken with her in person yet because I know she's receiving more calls and emails than she can respond to. I sent her an email and told her to call me when she's ready. She isn't the type of person to dwell on things or ask for pity. She doesn't want sadness around her. I figured it was probably best to NOT call her just yet because I don't know if I can keep myself together.
I literally feel like I've been hit by a bus. And, then it backed up and hit me again.
Typical as you grow up and have families of your own, we aren't as close as we were growing up but she's still someone very special to me. Aside from my family, she's been in my life longer than anyone else.
We were inseperable growing up. We had sleepovers every weekend. I was a part of their family and she was part of mine. We sat down and made a list one time of everything we had in common and it was amazing. I still remember some of them:
Both of our middle names are Marie
We were both born on the 9th of the month
We were both born in Alaska
Our mom's are both named Carol
Our Dads were both in the Air Force
We even looked alike when we were little. I went to prom at her high school because I hung out with them more than my own high school.
I know she will need support and strength and friendship over the next year. I will be there.
P.S. - if you haven't had a mammogram recently, get off your ass and schedule it! I am!
I clicked the icon and it was from a childhood friend (Sandra) that asked if I saw the Facebook post of another childhood friend (Tammi).
You have to understand Tammi. She is the type of person that literally knows someone wherever she goes. She is the definition of the phrase "social butterfly". She is outgoing and fun-loving and has the BEST set of dimples you will ever find.
She is an accomplished author and journalist (with a published book and everything) who has worked for 2 of the biggest newspapers in the country.
She was my first true friend. She moved here from Tehran, Iran in 1980. Her father was in the Air Force and stationed there. When all of the civil wars broke out, they came back to the States. She was in my 3rd grade class and we've been friends ever since.
So, I went to Facebook, curious to see what Tammi was up to now.
I had been seeing rather cryptic posts from her over the last 2 weeks but didn't think much of it. She asked for recommendations for good waterproof mascara and another post just said, "I'm radioactive".
She's always travelling and visiting weird places so I figured she was doing something adventurous.
And then I found her post. A link to a site called Caring Bridge. Unfortunately, I knew the site.
My heart stopped a beat. Who is sick?
My dearest friend was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer on March 1st. She starts chemo this week and had a port implanted this morning for the treatments.
I haven't spoken with her in person yet because I know she's receiving more calls and emails than she can respond to. I sent her an email and told her to call me when she's ready. She isn't the type of person to dwell on things or ask for pity. She doesn't want sadness around her. I figured it was probably best to NOT call her just yet because I don't know if I can keep myself together.
I literally feel like I've been hit by a bus. And, then it backed up and hit me again.
Typical as you grow up and have families of your own, we aren't as close as we were growing up but she's still someone very special to me. Aside from my family, she's been in my life longer than anyone else.
We were inseperable growing up. We had sleepovers every weekend. I was a part of their family and she was part of mine. We sat down and made a list one time of everything we had in common and it was amazing. I still remember some of them:
Both of our middle names are Marie
We were both born on the 9th of the month
We were both born in Alaska
Our mom's are both named Carol
Our Dads were both in the Air Force
We even looked alike when we were little. I went to prom at her high school because I hung out with them more than my own high school.
I know she will need support and strength and friendship over the next year. I will be there.
P.S. - if you haven't had a mammogram recently, get off your ass and schedule it! I am!
Friday, March 8, 2013
A New Adventure & Shameless Plug
I'm starting a new adventure! I have become a Scentsy Consultant.
For those of you familiar with Scentsy, you know what an awesome product it is!
If you aren't familiar, it's a wickless scented wax that melts in a decorative warmer using a low watt bulb. I was first introduced to Scentsy two years ago when a good friend started selling it. I fell in love immediately and became an avid user.
There are over 80 scents to choose from and there's a warmer for anyone's taste! The wax smells amazing and you don't have to deal with soot, smoke or an open flame. All pluses in my book!
And, let's face it. Who wants to see a nasty, sooty, black glass jar sitting on a table?!
In addition, they have extended the brand to include super cute plush animals, travel items AND skin, sun and laundry care products! All available in those awesome scents! I'm excited and nervous to get started. I love the product so I know I picked the right opportunity.
Starting my own business is freaking me out a little.
I've been toying with the idea for the last few months. Really, since we knew my husband's job was up in the air and when I started having those stupid car problems. Besides having fun, a little extra income couldn't hurt, right?
If you'd like more information about Scentsy or if you'd like to place an order, email me and I'll send you the link to my website. I can ship anywhere! :)
Wish me luck - I'll need all of the support I can get!
For those of you familiar with Scentsy, you know what an awesome product it is!
If you aren't familiar, it's a wickless scented wax that melts in a decorative warmer using a low watt bulb. I was first introduced to Scentsy two years ago when a good friend started selling it. I fell in love immediately and became an avid user.
 |
| This is the warmer that is currently in my daughter's room. They make GREAT night lights! |
There are over 80 scents to choose from and there's a warmer for anyone's taste! The wax smells amazing and you don't have to deal with soot, smoke or an open flame. All pluses in my book!
And, let's face it. Who wants to see a nasty, sooty, black glass jar sitting on a table?!
In addition, they have extended the brand to include super cute plush animals, travel items AND skin, sun and laundry care products! All available in those awesome scents! I'm excited and nervous to get started. I love the product so I know I picked the right opportunity.
Starting my own business is freaking me out a little.
I've been toying with the idea for the last few months. Really, since we knew my husband's job was up in the air and when I started having those stupid car problems. Besides having fun, a little extra income couldn't hurt, right?
If you'd like more information about Scentsy or if you'd like to place an order, email me and I'll send you the link to my website. I can ship anywhere! :)
Wish me luck - I'll need all of the support I can get!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
That Moment You Realize It
I'm the middle child and one of three kids in my family. I like to think that I was generally a "good kid". I didn't really get into trouble. I got decent grades. I had nice friends.
Around the age of 16, I started to have an "opinion" about things. I never really considered my mom as my "best friend" but we got along OK. As I grew into my wise teenage years, there were things about my life that I clearly knew more about.
And, duh! What teenage girl doesn't?!
Throughout my teens and early twenties when I was still living at home, my mom and I would have arguments. We would "butt heads", if you will. We're both pretty opinionated individuals and I didn't take kindly to someone telling me the better way to do something.
At the time, it was just annoying. Looking back, I realize that my mom wasn't in a very good place. She was unhappily married to my stepfather, eventually went through a divorce and somehow during that transition she lost her independence in a way. She became needier. She became lonely.
I wasn't aware enough to notice. Her attempts to spend time with me were misunderstood - I just wanted to go out with my friends to clubs and she would yell at me for going out all of the time. I remember one fight in particular when she refused to let me use the car. I still remember the words I yelled as I walked out the door.
"I'm sorry you're so unhappy but it's not my job to be your friend. I'm not responsible for your happiness". Nice, huh?
I walked 5 miles to my friend's house just to prove that she couldn't keep me home.
I suppose everyone has different sides to their personality. That's my "F*** You" side. I don't take kindly to people telling me I can't do something.
When we grow up and have children of our own, we bask in the glow of people telling us how much our kids resemble us or have the same expressions as us.
This week, I had an "Ah ha" moment.
All of the hell that I caused my mother is coming back threefold. Oh yes.
Kendall is ME and she has an "F*** you" side.
We've had 3 showdowns at the dinner table this week. I don't know if she misses my husband or if she's just being a priss. The first night, she barely ate any dinner. The second night, she came to the table, looked at her plate and said, "I don't like that" and walked away.
Whoa Ho, young lady!
That night, I still made her sit at the dinner table with Chris and I. She sat in her chair defiantly and didn't touch a thing on her plate.
Last night, she refused to come to the table at all. I asked twice, told her I was counting to three and then I grabbed her off the couch and put her in her bedroom.
She sat upstairs screaming and crying while Chris & I ate dinner.
I just don't know what else to do. I can't force her to eat dinner and I refuse to become a short order cook. She needs to eat what I make. I don't make extravagant meals and I usually try to include at least one thing they like.
Tonight, I treated them to Happy Meals. What do you think she did?
She was the first one at the table and ate every single bite. WTF?
So, either I'm a really shitty cook or she's testing me. I asked why she ate all of her Happy Meal but she won't eat the dinners I cook and she said, "That's not dinner. It's a Happy Meal".
Maybe tomorrow night I'll just put dinner in a cardboard box and dress like Ronald McDonald?
Around the age of 16, I started to have an "opinion" about things. I never really considered my mom as my "best friend" but we got along OK. As I grew into my wise teenage years, there were things about my life that I clearly knew more about.
And, duh! What teenage girl doesn't?!
Throughout my teens and early twenties when I was still living at home, my mom and I would have arguments. We would "butt heads", if you will. We're both pretty opinionated individuals and I didn't take kindly to someone telling me the better way to do something.
At the time, it was just annoying. Looking back, I realize that my mom wasn't in a very good place. She was unhappily married to my stepfather, eventually went through a divorce and somehow during that transition she lost her independence in a way. She became needier. She became lonely.
I wasn't aware enough to notice. Her attempts to spend time with me were misunderstood - I just wanted to go out with my friends to clubs and she would yell at me for going out all of the time. I remember one fight in particular when she refused to let me use the car. I still remember the words I yelled as I walked out the door.
"I'm sorry you're so unhappy but it's not my job to be your friend. I'm not responsible for your happiness". Nice, huh?
I walked 5 miles to my friend's house just to prove that she couldn't keep me home.
I suppose everyone has different sides to their personality. That's my "F*** You" side. I don't take kindly to people telling me I can't do something.
When we grow up and have children of our own, we bask in the glow of people telling us how much our kids resemble us or have the same expressions as us.
This week, I had an "Ah ha" moment.
All of the hell that I caused my mother is coming back threefold. Oh yes.
Kendall is ME and she has an "F*** you" side.
We've had 3 showdowns at the dinner table this week. I don't know if she misses my husband or if she's just being a priss. The first night, she barely ate any dinner. The second night, she came to the table, looked at her plate and said, "I don't like that" and walked away.
Whoa Ho, young lady!
That night, I still made her sit at the dinner table with Chris and I. She sat in her chair defiantly and didn't touch a thing on her plate.
Last night, she refused to come to the table at all. I asked twice, told her I was counting to three and then I grabbed her off the couch and put her in her bedroom.
She sat upstairs screaming and crying while Chris & I ate dinner.
I just don't know what else to do. I can't force her to eat dinner and I refuse to become a short order cook. She needs to eat what I make. I don't make extravagant meals and I usually try to include at least one thing they like.
Tonight, I treated them to Happy Meals. What do you think she did?
She was the first one at the table and ate every single bite. WTF?
So, either I'm a really shitty cook or she's testing me. I asked why she ate all of her Happy Meal but she won't eat the dinners I cook and she said, "That's not dinner. It's a Happy Meal".
Maybe tomorrow night I'll just put dinner in a cardboard box and dress like Ronald McDonald?
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Single Mommin' It
I just completed Day 3 of my Single Mom 2-week tour. My husband left Monday night for a 2-week business trip in St. Louis.
So far, there have been no surprises. I was most worried about the change in morning routine since it was my husband's job to get the kids dressed and to school. I have to get up a little earlier than normal but for the most part, I'm able to get showered before the kids wake up. We've been able to get out the door by 7:45-ish which gets me to work between 8:15-8:30.
The evening routine was mostly me anyway so there hasn't been much difference there.
The kids' school was closed on Monday for President's Day so I decided to take them on a field trip to my office. It had been awhile since my co-workers had seen them and I thought the kids would get a kick out of seeing where I go when I say I'm going to work.
Yes, children. It IS a real place.
I work in a huge office building on the 4th floor so it was quite an adventure for them. They had a blast and warmed up in no time. It was like trick or treating. One co-worker gave them a "stress ball" car and another opened a file cabinet drawer and it was full of bags of chips and cookies.
"This place is GREAT"!
Daddy called last night and talked to the kids briefly before bed. I could only hear Chris' side of the conversation but it was so sweet:
"Are you on your trip, Daddy"?
"You in St. Louis"?
"Do you know how to get home"?
Hopefully once this trip is over, there will be minimal travelling required for the rest of the contract. The Project Manager did approach him and asked if he would be interested in being considered for the Accounting Supervisor position once they get the department established at the Home Office near our house. It would be such a blessing if things worked out that way. In the meantime, I'm just trying to be thankful that he is working. He was convinced that he would have been laid off by April if he stayed at his old job.
I think we'll probably go to visit my brother-in-law and his family sometime over the weekend. The kids absolutely adore them and their cousins. If you've been reading my blog for awhile, this is the sister-in-law that babysat them for the first year. I'm so glad the bond that was created during that year has lasted.
And, thank God for grocery delivery! The thought of taking both kids to the grocery store gives me a headache! I placed an order today and we'll have a full week's food order delivered sometime Saturday morning between 8:00 - 10:00 am. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it! I use Peapod and I have never had a problem. I started using it when I was still on maternity leave. I was worried at first about the quality of the food - I wasn't thrilled about having someone else choose my produce. Everything has been fresh and arrives in good condition. There is a delivery fee but to me, the convenience is SO worth it! I use it every 6 weeks or so now. It's also nice if you are on a budget. When I go to the store, I always get side tracked by all of the yummy stuff I see and I almost always go over budget. Shopping on-line keeps me to my list and it keeps a running total as you add things to your cart so you can see how much you are spending.
OK. Shameless plug is over now.
Hope everyone else is having a good week!
So far, there have been no surprises. I was most worried about the change in morning routine since it was my husband's job to get the kids dressed and to school. I have to get up a little earlier than normal but for the most part, I'm able to get showered before the kids wake up. We've been able to get out the door by 7:45-ish which gets me to work between 8:15-8:30.
The evening routine was mostly me anyway so there hasn't been much difference there.
The kids' school was closed on Monday for President's Day so I decided to take them on a field trip to my office. It had been awhile since my co-workers had seen them and I thought the kids would get a kick out of seeing where I go when I say I'm going to work.
Yes, children. It IS a real place.
I work in a huge office building on the 4th floor so it was quite an adventure for them. They had a blast and warmed up in no time. It was like trick or treating. One co-worker gave them a "stress ball" car and another opened a file cabinet drawer and it was full of bags of chips and cookies.
"This place is GREAT"!
Daddy called last night and talked to the kids briefly before bed. I could only hear Chris' side of the conversation but it was so sweet:
"Are you on your trip, Daddy"?
"You in St. Louis"?
"Do you know how to get home"?
Hopefully once this trip is over, there will be minimal travelling required for the rest of the contract. The Project Manager did approach him and asked if he would be interested in being considered for the Accounting Supervisor position once they get the department established at the Home Office near our house. It would be such a blessing if things worked out that way. In the meantime, I'm just trying to be thankful that he is working. He was convinced that he would have been laid off by April if he stayed at his old job.
I think we'll probably go to visit my brother-in-law and his family sometime over the weekend. The kids absolutely adore them and their cousins. If you've been reading my blog for awhile, this is the sister-in-law that babysat them for the first year. I'm so glad the bond that was created during that year has lasted.
And, thank God for grocery delivery! The thought of taking both kids to the grocery store gives me a headache! I placed an order today and we'll have a full week's food order delivered sometime Saturday morning between 8:00 - 10:00 am. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it! I use Peapod and I have never had a problem. I started using it when I was still on maternity leave. I was worried at first about the quality of the food - I wasn't thrilled about having someone else choose my produce. Everything has been fresh and arrives in good condition. There is a delivery fee but to me, the convenience is SO worth it! I use it every 6 weeks or so now. It's also nice if you are on a budget. When I go to the store, I always get side tracked by all of the yummy stuff I see and I almost always go over budget. Shopping on-line keeps me to my list and it keeps a running total as you add things to your cart so you can see how much you are spending.
OK. Shameless plug is over now.
Hope everyone else is having a good week!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
De-Lurk Q&A
Thank you to everyone who left me a comment. It's always nice to know that I still have readers and that I'm not completely boring and can still help those who are still struggling with infertility. That's really my whole purpose for starting this blog. I needed an avenue to vent and to find and offer support.
I received some really great questions:
Does infertility still enter your mind often?
It enters my mind every time I look at my children. I will admit that it’s not my sole focus like it was before the kids. It doesn’t consume me any longer. Maybe it’s because I know we can’t have any more kids because of the hysterectomy? Maybe I’m really just in a good spot right now? If I wanted more kids, I think it would be a different story and I’m sure the bitter sting of infertility would be right back in my face. Taunting me.
I will never forget what we endured to get where we are today. When I’m having a bad day, when the kids won’t listen and I feel like I’m taking things for granted, I make myself go back and read some of my posts when I was so desperate to get pregnant. It still brings back some painful and bitter memories but it also gives me a pretty good smack in the ass and I realize how lucky and blessed I am. When I see other twins, I wonder if the parents did IVF. It’s usually the first thing that pops into my mind. I wonder if they went through the same hell that we did to get where we are. I still want to share my story. I still want people to know that it’s not easy. It wasn’t easy.
I have identical twin boys who are 6 months old. When does it get easier?
It does get easier. I promise. I’ve written many posts sharing my fear of being alone with both kids and not being able to handle whatever happens. The first months are definitely more physically demanding: lack of sleep, the immobility of the twins and everything that goes with that (carrying one on each hip, 30 pound car seats). Both kids started sleeping through the night regularly around 4 months of age. Sleeping through the night for us meant down for the night around 10:00 pm and sleeping until 4:30 am. If I got 6 hours of sleep, it was a GOOD night. We had some blips here and there where my son would go through a cycle of waking up. It usually indicated one of three things: sick, teething or major developmental milestone was coming (i.e crawling or walking).
Once the kids were mobile, it got a little easier but also created new challenges. If I wanted to get something done, I couldn’t leave the room because they wouldn’t be there when I returned. Just when you think you have the house baby proofed, they find something. Invest in lots of baby gates that you can throw up as you need them.
The next challenge was definitely 18 months through age 3 and it switches from physical demand to mental demand. I’m convinced temper tantrums are worse with twins because they feed off each other. The “non-involved” twin would start crying for no reason and then I had 2 screaming toddlers. As their vocabulary expanded, it got easier. I highly recommend sign language. I wasn’t fluent by any means but we had some basics down and it did help.
Did you tell friends and family about your infertility?
We started trying to get pregnant when I turned 32. We tried for 2 years and didn’t tell anyone. I finally went to get tested and had an HSG done. They found partially blocked tubes. I also had an undiagnosed underactive thyroid. At the time, we didn’t think we could afford IVF (and frankly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it) so we just left things in God’s hands and got to a comfortable place. If it happens, it happens. If not, we won’t have kids.
And then in 2007, I got pregnant. It ended up being ectopic and I lost my left tube. It completely devastated me. I thought I was in a good place and then all of the sudden I needed to be pregnant. I needed to have kids. I spoke with my OB and she said the only way I could be guaranteed a healthy pregnancy was to do IVF. So, we started doing research.
After the ectopic, I really opened up to everyone. I think it was part of my healing. I was grieving the loss of my pregnancy yet so determined to move forward.
Did you keep them in the loop on your treatments?
Infertility is a funny thing. When people get pregnant without assistance, they don’t advertise they had sex last night. I don’t know if talking about IVF treatments is more accepted because it’s medical or what?
For me, I did approach the whole thing very medically. I initially went to college with the intent of being a doctor so that approach was natural for me. I wanted to understand every procedure, every step of the treatment. Because I was so comfortable with that aspect of it, I talked freely about it. I mentioned my uterus and ovaries like I was talking about what I had to eat that day. I’m normally a very reserved person who gets embarrassed easily but for some reason, this didn’t bother me.
I was very open about our first fresh IVF cycle. I announced when we started the shots, I announced when we did the retrieval, I showed off the ultrasound photo of the embryo transfer.
When that cycle failed, I withdrew. It was a tough blow. I was just pregnant with the ectopic so I thought for sure I would get pregnant the first round. I grieved for a few weeks and then something clicked and I thought to myself, “Screw this. I’m not giving up” and we started the first FET cycle 2 months later.
I got cancelled because my lining wouldn’t thicken. And then my 2nd FET cycle failed. We took a break for 4 months and decided if we wanted to move forward.
When we started our final IVF cycle, I didn’t tell anyone. I remember talking to my mom in tears as I told her how hard it was to want something so badly. She told me that she cried with me. She hurt too.
I did eventually tell my close friends and family about the cycle when we were about halfway through. It became difficult to hide and the last thing I wanted was for people to think I was pregnant again when I refused a drink or said I was tired. There's nothing worse than answering the "Are you pregnant" question when you're trying to get pregnant.
Do you tell people now about IVF?
I'm still pretty forthcoming with how our children came to be. I had a friend ask me when I was going to tell the kids how they were conceived. I honestly hadn't given it any thought. I'm not against telling the kids if the subject comes up but I don't think I'll plan "a talk" about it.
I do have a bit of a success story. I mentioned I told several co-workers about IVF during our first cycle. I'm probably being naive by thinking word didn't spread after I announced I was pregnant with twins. I'm sure the whole office knew how it happened. Whatever.
Anyway, a woman in my office that I knew (but didn't work with directly) approached me one day at my desk. She approached very gingerly and I could tell she was uncomfortable. She told me her daughter had been trying to get pregnant for quite some time and she was thinking about IVF but didn't know where to start and that she was scared about the process. We spent the next 30 minutes talking about my doctor and the clinic I used and the entire IVF process. To make a long story short, her daughter made an appointment with my RE and she now has a beautiful baby girl.
What responses have you received from people who know you used infertility treatments?
Maybe I'm lucky but I have never received a negative response from anyone. I think it's probably more accepted than it used to be. Or maybe women are just being more open about it? I never thought I would be one of "those women" who needed help getting pregnant. The feelings that infertility brings are certainly some of the most intense that I've ever felt. The feelings of inadequacy, failure and lack of control are smack ya in the face reality.
I know there was definitely a part of me that was just over it and I eventually didn't give a crap about what people thought. I wanted children and I didn't care how it happened. People can pass judgement or do whatever they want to do and it doesn't affect me. Fertility issues don't mean you are a bad person or that you are being punished. It took me a LONG time to accept that and I was really bitter and angry for a long time after I had the ectopic. I read some of those posts and while I can still remember exactly how I felt, I'm still surprised by the bitterness.
I may have kids now and I'm sure I've lost some readers along the way who couldn't bear to read about "the other side". Or, maybe I just became a boring mom? Who knows. What I do know is that infertility never leaves you. It weaves itself inside of you like a parasite. It changes who you are. But, it shouldn't define you. It's a part of you that you can dwell on or you can conquer it and move past it. The IVF cycle that resulted in our twins was our last try. I knew going in and I was ready to accept that if it failed, we would walk away with nothing. I decided that I had something to offer, children or not. Is it fair? No. But, I finally just gave in and decided it was God's plan and that whatever happened, it would be OK. Maybe not at first, but eventually it would be OK.
I love receiving comments so please feel free to leave one if you have any other questions.
If you'd rather talk privately, feel free to email me directly. I'm an open book and if I can return some of the support I've received over the last 4 years, it's my pleasure.
I received some really great questions:
Does infertility still enter your mind often?
It enters my mind every time I look at my children. I will admit that it’s not my sole focus like it was before the kids. It doesn’t consume me any longer. Maybe it’s because I know we can’t have any more kids because of the hysterectomy? Maybe I’m really just in a good spot right now? If I wanted more kids, I think it would be a different story and I’m sure the bitter sting of infertility would be right back in my face. Taunting me.
I will never forget what we endured to get where we are today. When I’m having a bad day, when the kids won’t listen and I feel like I’m taking things for granted, I make myself go back and read some of my posts when I was so desperate to get pregnant. It still brings back some painful and bitter memories but it also gives me a pretty good smack in the ass and I realize how lucky and blessed I am. When I see other twins, I wonder if the parents did IVF. It’s usually the first thing that pops into my mind. I wonder if they went through the same hell that we did to get where we are. I still want to share my story. I still want people to know that it’s not easy. It wasn’t easy.
I have identical twin boys who are 6 months old. When does it get easier?
It does get easier. I promise. I’ve written many posts sharing my fear of being alone with both kids and not being able to handle whatever happens. The first months are definitely more physically demanding: lack of sleep, the immobility of the twins and everything that goes with that (carrying one on each hip, 30 pound car seats). Both kids started sleeping through the night regularly around 4 months of age. Sleeping through the night for us meant down for the night around 10:00 pm and sleeping until 4:30 am. If I got 6 hours of sleep, it was a GOOD night. We had some blips here and there where my son would go through a cycle of waking up. It usually indicated one of three things: sick, teething or major developmental milestone was coming (i.e crawling or walking).
Once the kids were mobile, it got a little easier but also created new challenges. If I wanted to get something done, I couldn’t leave the room because they wouldn’t be there when I returned. Just when you think you have the house baby proofed, they find something. Invest in lots of baby gates that you can throw up as you need them.
The next challenge was definitely 18 months through age 3 and it switches from physical demand to mental demand. I’m convinced temper tantrums are worse with twins because they feed off each other. The “non-involved” twin would start crying for no reason and then I had 2 screaming toddlers. As their vocabulary expanded, it got easier. I highly recommend sign language. I wasn’t fluent by any means but we had some basics down and it did help.
Did you tell friends and family about your infertility?
We started trying to get pregnant when I turned 32. We tried for 2 years and didn’t tell anyone. I finally went to get tested and had an HSG done. They found partially blocked tubes. I also had an undiagnosed underactive thyroid. At the time, we didn’t think we could afford IVF (and frankly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it) so we just left things in God’s hands and got to a comfortable place. If it happens, it happens. If not, we won’t have kids.
And then in 2007, I got pregnant. It ended up being ectopic and I lost my left tube. It completely devastated me. I thought I was in a good place and then all of the sudden I needed to be pregnant. I needed to have kids. I spoke with my OB and she said the only way I could be guaranteed a healthy pregnancy was to do IVF. So, we started doing research.
After the ectopic, I really opened up to everyone. I think it was part of my healing. I was grieving the loss of my pregnancy yet so determined to move forward.
Did you keep them in the loop on your treatments?
Infertility is a funny thing. When people get pregnant without assistance, they don’t advertise they had sex last night. I don’t know if talking about IVF treatments is more accepted because it’s medical or what?
For me, I did approach the whole thing very medically. I initially went to college with the intent of being a doctor so that approach was natural for me. I wanted to understand every procedure, every step of the treatment. Because I was so comfortable with that aspect of it, I talked freely about it. I mentioned my uterus and ovaries like I was talking about what I had to eat that day. I’m normally a very reserved person who gets embarrassed easily but for some reason, this didn’t bother me.
I was very open about our first fresh IVF cycle. I announced when we started the shots, I announced when we did the retrieval, I showed off the ultrasound photo of the embryo transfer.
When that cycle failed, I withdrew. It was a tough blow. I was just pregnant with the ectopic so I thought for sure I would get pregnant the first round. I grieved for a few weeks and then something clicked and I thought to myself, “Screw this. I’m not giving up” and we started the first FET cycle 2 months later.
I got cancelled because my lining wouldn’t thicken. And then my 2nd FET cycle failed. We took a break for 4 months and decided if we wanted to move forward.
When we started our final IVF cycle, I didn’t tell anyone. I remember talking to my mom in tears as I told her how hard it was to want something so badly. She told me that she cried with me. She hurt too.
I did eventually tell my close friends and family about the cycle when we were about halfway through. It became difficult to hide and the last thing I wanted was for people to think I was pregnant again when I refused a drink or said I was tired. There's nothing worse than answering the "Are you pregnant" question when you're trying to get pregnant.
Do you tell people now about IVF?
I'm still pretty forthcoming with how our children came to be. I had a friend ask me when I was going to tell the kids how they were conceived. I honestly hadn't given it any thought. I'm not against telling the kids if the subject comes up but I don't think I'll plan "a talk" about it.
I do have a bit of a success story. I mentioned I told several co-workers about IVF during our first cycle. I'm probably being naive by thinking word didn't spread after I announced I was pregnant with twins. I'm sure the whole office knew how it happened. Whatever.
Anyway, a woman in my office that I knew (but didn't work with directly) approached me one day at my desk. She approached very gingerly and I could tell she was uncomfortable. She told me her daughter had been trying to get pregnant for quite some time and she was thinking about IVF but didn't know where to start and that she was scared about the process. We spent the next 30 minutes talking about my doctor and the clinic I used and the entire IVF process. To make a long story short, her daughter made an appointment with my RE and she now has a beautiful baby girl.
What responses have you received from people who know you used infertility treatments?
Maybe I'm lucky but I have never received a negative response from anyone. I think it's probably more accepted than it used to be. Or maybe women are just being more open about it? I never thought I would be one of "those women" who needed help getting pregnant. The feelings that infertility brings are certainly some of the most intense that I've ever felt. The feelings of inadequacy, failure and lack of control are smack ya in the face reality.
I know there was definitely a part of me that was just over it and I eventually didn't give a crap about what people thought. I wanted children and I didn't care how it happened. People can pass judgement or do whatever they want to do and it doesn't affect me. Fertility issues don't mean you are a bad person or that you are being punished. It took me a LONG time to accept that and I was really bitter and angry for a long time after I had the ectopic. I read some of those posts and while I can still remember exactly how I felt, I'm still surprised by the bitterness.
I may have kids now and I'm sure I've lost some readers along the way who couldn't bear to read about "the other side". Or, maybe I just became a boring mom? Who knows. What I do know is that infertility never leaves you. It weaves itself inside of you like a parasite. It changes who you are. But, it shouldn't define you. It's a part of you that you can dwell on or you can conquer it and move past it. The IVF cycle that resulted in our twins was our last try. I knew going in and I was ready to accept that if it failed, we would walk away with nothing. I decided that I had something to offer, children or not. Is it fair? No. But, I finally just gave in and decided it was God's plan and that whatever happened, it would be OK. Maybe not at first, but eventually it would be OK.
I love receiving comments so please feel free to leave one if you have any other questions.
If you'd rather talk privately, feel free to email me directly. I'm an open book and if I can return some of the support I've received over the last 4 years, it's my pleasure.
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