Tapped Out

I'm tapped out. Emotionally, physically and financially.

Emotionally
I'm prepared for the negative beta on Monday - it won't be easy to hear but at least I'm prepared to hear it.

It's not that I was convinced this cycle would work because I really did look at it as a freebie (meaning we didn't have to make new embryos).

What I'm trying to deal with is the frustration. After my first cycle, my RE told me she feels confident we'll get there. With the exception of the end result, it was a perfect cycle.

With this cycle, there were problems with my lining thickness but in the end, they decided it looked good enough to proceed. The doctor performing the transfer even said it looked good.

So, what the fuck?

The other thing that I can't get past is that I feel like we wasted 4 perfectly good embryos. If we put them in someone else, would they have lived?

I tried to make a "joke" with my husband and I don't know how it will come across but I'll share.

When I came home from college, I decided I wanted to give fish a try. I bought a tank and got it all set up. I managed to kill 6 fish in one weekend.

So, the "joke" was that I'm just as good at killing embryos.

I'm beginning to wonder if the ectopic is going to be my only experience with pregnancy.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I'm a fighter but I'm also not stupid. How many more times am I willing to subject myself to this frustration, disappointment and sadness?

Physically
There isn't one square inch on my ass that doesn't have a lump or bruise. The shots are downright painful now and on the nights that I have to do two shots, it takes everything I have in me to get up to prepare them.

I decided to stop the Estrace pills. I'm tired of having blue crap in my underwear everyday and really, is it serving a purpose at this point?

We did the PIO shot last night and we're supposed to do the DelEstrogen and PIO tonight. We'll probably still do them because I still have a teeny, tiny shred of hope but deep down, I know it's a waste of time.

The one thing I haven't mentioned - and this really is my shred of hope - is that I had some pretty significant cramping on Wednesday.

I've had some mild cramps off and on since transfer and that was pretty consistent with the last transfer. But, Wednesday's was different.

I was driving to work and it was one of those cramps when you think "Oh shit, I just got my period" and you grab a tampon and go running for the bathroom. It was deep and pretty intense - I even had some lower back pain.

It happened again that afternoon and then that was it. I haven't had it since.

That would've been 8dpt and almost a week after implantation was supposed to occur so I think the chances of it really being something is pretty slim.

But, it was also significant enough that I can't ignore it. What the hell was it?

The only other thing is that my boobs seem to be getting more sore as the days pass. They've been sore since I started the shots so that's nothing new but now they hurt when I lay on my stomach at night.

Again, just something I've noticed.

I'm sure it's more likely to be the PIO shots that have now taken over my body or impending AF so I'm not really putting much into it.

After all, the HPT doesn't lie. Not at 10dpt.

Financially
I'm willing to do another fresh cycle - the problem is money. I've pretty much exhausted the insurance coverage that I had. Which, by the way, was a whopping $20,000 per lifetime. Thanks for throwing me some crumbs.

Between Kaly's vet bills and some expenses we had earlier this year, our savings is down to fumes. We already have an equity line of credit from some home renovations we did a few years ago and I really don't want to pull any more from that with the market the way it is right now.

So, where does that leave us?

My husband wants to take the rest of the year off and look at our options in January. That sounds great, except for one thing.

I turn 39 in April.

The clock ticking is getting louder and louder each day.

I think I'm probably one of the oldest women on the blogs that I've been reading and I really feel like my time is running out.

If I wasn't able to get pregnant at 38, it sure as hell isn't going to get easier at 39 or 40.

As far as I know, the quality of my eggs is still OK - I guess? We had a decent number of 16 eggs at ER with 11 fertilized and a total of 5 blasts.

But, that certainly isn't going to improve over time.

At this point, I don't know what's going to happen. I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking this may be the end of the road for us.

We had 2 shots at it and failed miserably.

Lastly, I wanted to thank you guys for your sentiments. I didn't mean to be short in my last post - I was just so frustrated.

I'll let you know the official word on Monday.