It took just one comment, one shred of doubt and I started to disbelieve the HPT. "What if I have the metabolism of a slug and it was still the trigger shot"?
I'm happy to report the line is darker today.
People keep saying I must be thrilled and beside myself but I feel differently than I thought I would.
I feel Scared.
The feelings of the ectopic have re-surfaced and I imagine all of the things that can still go wrong.
I was SO sure it would work out last time and we know how that story ended.
We told my DH's family yesterday, even though we said we wouldn't tell anyone yet. We got together to celebrate the birthdays of my niece and BIL. We had been there for about 2 hours or so and I decided I couldn't hold it in any longer.
I have absolutely no future as a spy.
I wasn't sure when we'd all be together again and I didn't want to announce it over email so I told DH I was doing it.
We got the usual hugs and "congratulations" and all I could think was "Let's wait and see what happens". My usual response when anything IVF-related comes up.
I have entered an area with which I am not familiar and it's really scary.
Sort of like your first day in a new school. I don't know where my classroom is and I don't have a lunch buddy.
I know some of you are probably reading this and thinking "What an f'ing bitch! She finally got what she's been hoping for"!
That's not my intent at all. I am thrilled that we've made it here, I really am. It's just the uncertainty of entering a phase of my life that I know absolutely nothing about.
And, that I have no control over.
I'm sure I'll feel better when I get my beta on Friday. It's all small hurdles and I'll face them day-by-day.
12 comments:
WOW CONGRATS! Those lines are pretty dark for 9 and 11 dpo...I bet you'll have a pretty high beta once Friday is here!
Congratulations!!! I just found your blog and I am hoping for a great beta for you.
I totally empathize with your reaction. I think it's normal to be worried and scared. I am worried and scared and I'm not even pregnant! First we've all been conscious for years of where we want our journey's to get to - BFP. We are also all aware of the things that can happen associated with the BFP.
I say, take it all one day at a time. Let transition happen in it's own sweet time. For now - wow! You guys did it. Heartiest of congratulations to you both.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret...people who have struggled with infertility don't ever relax and stop thinking about "what ifs" until their holding their babies in their arms...even then you'll have worries about SIDS or other such things.
It's called not taking a baby for granted and it's completely normal!!
The only advice I can give is to try your best to enjoy all the little things. You'll never have the chance to relive your first complete pregnancy and it is one of the most wonderful times of your life.
Delurking (have been following for months now) to say I am thrilled for you!!! So, so thrilled!
My IVF baby is 3 now and I STILL very vividly recall the somewhat stunned and then terrified feeling we had after our positive beta (I avoided HPTs like the plague, so waited for the beta). I didn't feel elation and joy and euphoria...I felt aware of all I had to lose and all that could go wrong. Not in a pessimistic way, but in an "innocence lost" way that infertility and failed IVFs tend to engender. Somewhere in that first trimester as things kept moving along, I shifted to a place where I was all in emotionally and I had a great time being pregnant thereafter.
Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about feeling trepid. ONLY someone who has walked in your shoes can begin to guess how they might feel and, given that everyone is different, it's only a "begin to guess".
My hope for you is that the trepid will lift soon and that you have a remarkably smooth and joyful pregnancy and can just savor it all! You sound like you are taking it a day at a time and I think that makes you a great superhero (so that's what you can be since the spy thing might not work out so great! as it happens, we lasted all of 6 days before telling family even though we were totally going to wait a full trimester, so I am with you there too!)
I am wishing you all the best and so happy for today's news which is as wonderful as today's news can possibly be. I hope the good and reassuring news just keeps coming and coming.
Wishing you all the best,
Courtney
"It's called not taking a baby for granted and it's completely normal!!"
I was commenting at the same time Jenn was and I think she just said in one line what I was prattling on about in 3 paragraphs!
Well, I guess this salute to Jenn gives me a chance to say one more time--so, so, so elated for you to have those gorgeous HPTs!
~Courtney
I'm so glad your line is getting darker! That's great news.
I can understand being scared. I haven't been in your position as far as getting a positive, but I can only imagine that I would feel the same.
Take it one day at at time. You'll know more after your beta. It's hard when you don't have control over the situation! (That's a feeling I definitely know something about!!)
Thinking of you and wishing you all the BEST!
HUGS!!!!
Congratulations!!
Don't ever feel bad for what you feel, we IF'ers have a different appreciation for pregnancy that others don't understand.
All our journies while different have been long and with that comes the cautioness, the threading lightly because it takes so much out of us when we hear bad news.
Wishing you all the best!
OMG! If this is what happens when I don't read blogs for a few days I promise keep up the routine:) CONGRATS!
OMG!!!!! This is SOOO Exciting. I hope it is NOT etopic girl! Don't be scared. Everything will be okay. :) Keep us posted
Congratulations Suzanne!!!! I'm so thrilled for you! Good luck at your upcoming beta on Friday. So happy for you!!
P.S. It's okay to be scared. That's what happens to us infertiles. It's always hard to think it's finlly happening to us, but I really think this is it for you! Yippee!!
Congratulations, Suzanne!! Looks like some really great lines on those sticks. All my best on Friday.
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