My first ultrasound is scheduled for this Wednesday, April 1st. I'll be exactly 6 weeks. I'm really, really hoping we see a heartbeat (or two?).
We spent the evening with my DH's family last night and everyone just kept talking about the pregnancy. My MIL finally looked at me and said, "Are you OK?".
The entire conversation made me feel really uncomfortable, I don't know why? I'm not only having a hard time talking about it but I'm finding it hard to accept that things will work out. That's horrible, right?
Infertility has conditioned me well. I feel like bad news is right around the corner. I'm not dwelling on something bad happening so I don't want you to think that I'm stressing myself out or anything. I'm just trying to keep things in perspective.
So, I guess cautiously optimistic is probably a better description. The family kept talking about the baby in the future (i.e. summer vacation next year) and I just kept saying, "Let's get past the first ultrasound".
I hate that I'm feeling this way. I wish I could be blissfully happy that things will work out.
But, after 2 previous failed cycles and losing a pregnancy at 6 weeks, it's hard to get past.
I keep comparing my hcg levels to other women's who are well into their 2nd and 3rd trimesters and my levels rock. I doubled normally and most times, I'm higher. All a good sign, I know.
I have no reason to think things won't work out.
So why am I so freakin' nervous about Wednesday?
7 comments:
I think it's perfectly normal to be concerned after everything you've been through already.
I am hoping that everything will be great when you go in for your ultrasound. I also hope that hearing the heartbeat will help you to feel a bit calmer about everything.
I'm sure your family just wants to be excited for you. They haven't been through what you've been through, so I'm sure it's hard for them to understand.
Let us know how everything goes...I'm excited for you!
I'm a lurker:) I've been reading your blog. I'm going to have to do IVF.. SOMEDAY. No insurance coverage, so I'm basically stuck.
Totally normal to feel this way. I know when I FINALLY am able to do IVF that I'll be the same way. It's normal. You want to be thankful, but leary at the same time. You've just been through too much and know reality. Your numbers are great though.
Suzanne,
I totally agree with Wendy. When you think of all the TIME and MONEY that have been invested into just achieving a bfp, it's impossible to just relax and assume things will take care of themselves for the next 9 months.
Many who do not go through this trial just to get pregnant, can begin planning for christening, preschool, siblings etc from day one. Good for them-- seriously.
People like us can't. We take each day as it comes and pray it's a good day.
Wishing you all the best for a great ultrasound.
Best wishes,
Anna
Hi!
I'm new to your blog. I think that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I didn't have fertility issues and felt the same way. Until I held baby in my arms and saw her with my own eyes I couldn't plan ahead. I think it's my personality... maybe we are similar (not that we'd know!). Going through all that you have would enhance the emotions I imagine... and pregnancy hormones wouldn't be helping either.
I hope that everything goes well on Wednesday.
Everyone else has already articulated so well my reaction to your post--after all you've been through, it's SO normal to be a little tentative and take nothing for granted. I would wager that the vast majority of women who achieve pregnancy through IVF are ready to jump out of their skin the day of that ultrasound--I sure was!
Everything thus far has been looking glorious and promising for you and your little one(s)--may Wednesday just continue that trend and take you to the next level of an ever increasing sense "this is really happening!"
Hang in there--Wednesday is coming! Hope these days can pass as quickly and even peacefully as possible!
Warmly,
Courtney
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!!! I just read your entire blog from start and will check back often, keep us updated!
You’ve been on my mind all week…I am praying that tomorrow is everything you’ve ever dreamed it would be. You deserve it!
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